Women: Children and having it all

Over the weekend I read an article in the Huffington Post which was about the idea of this never-ending journey of perfection that as a woman we must meander along through constantly feeling rejection and failure. Some of the author’s points I could understand but the article was largely a failure judging by the Facebook comments. But this got me thinking about the ideal woman and the question which swirls around in my head, can we have it all?

If you have read any of my previous posts or the “About me” section you will note that I am married. Woo hoo. I got married in September last year and so I believe the term would be newly-married (I think you get that for the first year). It was several weeks after the big day, once we had gotten back from the honeymoon and rid ourselves of those final grains of sand from in between our toes when it hit me. I am married. This revelation was then followed by the succeeding six months of worry about kids. 

I want to make it clear. I am currently twenty three so quite young to be married by modern standards. Therefore no one and I repeat no one has asked the question “so when will we hear the pitter patter of tiny feet?”. There has been the odd comment such as “oh your children will be gorgeous” or “just you wait until you have kids.” Nothing which constitutes anyone suggesting that now is the time. This includes my husband. Not one word.

So why am I worried? I think it comes down to three things:

Firstly, it is a fact that having children will change my position within the workplace and within society as a whole far more when I become a mother than it will my husbands. Legislation has of course made the burden easier but society still expects the mother to be the one to be the child’s primary care giver. Women can be scorned by other women if they choose to return to work earlier than normal too. It comes from both sides.

Secondly, I get really excited when I speak to a successful working mother. I think, “yippee” maybe she will tell me the Holy Grail of having it all. Maybe this stranger in Tesco’s holds the key. Maybe this mutual friend or this colleague will be able to tell me exactly what I need to do. Nope. Nada. Zip. They all said the same thing, women cannot have it all. There is a sacrifice that must be made, you can either be a wonderful mother but work very few hours or you can be a bad mother but be a kick ass career woman. In fact many who I have spoken to in the past year or so when discussing this topic voice their regrets over having gone back to work or advises me to stay clear of work all together.

And then finally, last but not least, the media. The media has in the past stigmatised working mothers and stay at home mothers in their fair share. Articles much like this one talk about the issue. Self help books, motivational movies (I still maintain The Women is one of the best girl power films there is) and various other avenues all talk about women doing it all and having it all. But none of this mediums seem to give a concrete answer because how can you? Everyone's circumstances are unique and no two families are the same. 

None of which address the issues at hand. We are told to strive for certain things otherwise we are a failure. That goes for women and men but for women ‘having it all’ is just another thing we must try and do. But what if someone doesn’t want and whose greatest need, her choice is to stay at home and look after her beautiful children? Or go to work and employ the services of a nanny or childminder (whose costs are astronomical and therefore once you’ve finished at the day job you may need a second job just to pick up the bill!). We should try not to judge ourselves on others. The only thing we can do is the best by the people we love and the best for ourselves as well. Ultimately this modern high tech society we currently live in is only a recent development and we are all still trying to find our way.

I do want children. This goes without saying. This will not happen in the near future. With a full time job and part time degree it would be stupid to add a child into the mix. But I am sure when we do have our children we will muddle through. Like every parent does. 

My Personal Experience of Getting Married Young

I was twenty when my husband proposed to me. We had been together for around eight months. He was finishing his post-graduate diploma and I was earning minimum wage in a desk job. We lived with our propspective parents which meant we actually spent most nights together however at eachothers houses.

Knowing we had no home to call ours and no means at that time to begin building a nest we knew it would be a long engagement. Three and a half years later we had our own place, good jobs and a good  life so we got married.

I have read many many articles that speak strongly about the fact that a woman shouldn't feel the need to get married to be a success. I agree with this stance whole-heartedly. No person whether male or female should be judged by their marital status. When we finally set a date however, all I was told was that I was too young to get married and that I should be waiting. This annoyed me greatly. If we commend a woman for not getting married then why can we commend a woman for getting married?

This issue isn't clear cut though. There are many factors at play here. Not only is the marriage thing an issue but also the question of taking my husband's name. I did by the way, because I liked my husband's surname and because I didn't feel any connection to my maiden name. This was a family name shared with my mum, which is of course a connection but I didn't speak to the family it came from. I didn't feel I had any obligation to protect the name.

Marriage provides many different things. It provides some security, a forever feeling. It is nice to know that I have someone whom I share a deep connection with. 

The women who choose not to get married but share their lives with or without partners are strong people. Some of our society does look upon unmarried people are "failures". But those strong women should not look down on their fellow women who choose to marry and tell them not to. I sometimes find that feminisim can sometimes fail in friendships between women. We have to choice to marry, to divorce, to not have children or to have children. We should rejoice in the fact that I had a choice as to whether I took my husbands name unlike a hundred or so years ago where I would have had no choice whatsoever.

Best Wishes

xox