Women: Children and having it all

Over the weekend I read an article in the Huffington Post which was about the idea of this never-ending journey of perfection that as a woman we must meander along through constantly feeling rejection and failure. Some of the author’s points I could understand but the article was largely a failure judging by the Facebook comments. But this got me thinking about the ideal woman and the question which swirls around in my head, can we have it all?

If you have read any of my previous posts or the “About me” section you will note that I am married. Woo hoo. I got married in September last year and so I believe the term would be newly-married (I think you get that for the first year). It was several weeks after the big day, once we had gotten back from the honeymoon and rid ourselves of those final grains of sand from in between our toes when it hit me. I am married. This revelation was then followed by the succeeding six months of worry about kids. 

I want to make it clear. I am currently twenty three so quite young to be married by modern standards. Therefore no one and I repeat no one has asked the question “so when will we hear the pitter patter of tiny feet?”. There has been the odd comment such as “oh your children will be gorgeous” or “just you wait until you have kids.” Nothing which constitutes anyone suggesting that now is the time. This includes my husband. Not one word.

So why am I worried? I think it comes down to three things:

Firstly, it is a fact that having children will change my position within the workplace and within society as a whole far more when I become a mother than it will my husbands. Legislation has of course made the burden easier but society still expects the mother to be the one to be the child’s primary care giver. Women can be scorned by other women if they choose to return to work earlier than normal too. It comes from both sides.

Secondly, I get really excited when I speak to a successful working mother. I think, “yippee” maybe she will tell me the Holy Grail of having it all. Maybe this stranger in Tesco’s holds the key. Maybe this mutual friend or this colleague will be able to tell me exactly what I need to do. Nope. Nada. Zip. They all said the same thing, women cannot have it all. There is a sacrifice that must be made, you can either be a wonderful mother but work very few hours or you can be a bad mother but be a kick ass career woman. In fact many who I have spoken to in the past year or so when discussing this topic voice their regrets over having gone back to work or advises me to stay clear of work all together.

And then finally, last but not least, the media. The media has in the past stigmatised working mothers and stay at home mothers in their fair share. Articles much like this one talk about the issue. Self help books, motivational movies (I still maintain The Women is one of the best girl power films there is) and various other avenues all talk about women doing it all and having it all. But none of this mediums seem to give a concrete answer because how can you? Everyone's circumstances are unique and no two families are the same. 

None of which address the issues at hand. We are told to strive for certain things otherwise we are a failure. That goes for women and men but for women ‘having it all’ is just another thing we must try and do. But what if someone doesn’t want and whose greatest need, her choice is to stay at home and look after her beautiful children? Or go to work and employ the services of a nanny or childminder (whose costs are astronomical and therefore once you’ve finished at the day job you may need a second job just to pick up the bill!). We should try not to judge ourselves on others. The only thing we can do is the best by the people we love and the best for ourselves as well. Ultimately this modern high tech society we currently live in is only a recent development and we are all still trying to find our way.

I do want children. This goes without saying. This will not happen in the near future. With a full time job and part time degree it would be stupid to add a child into the mix. But I am sure when we do have our children we will muddle through. Like every parent does. 

Page 3 - Good or Bad?

Today is a landmark day, Page 3 is no more. I hold many feminist views; equal pay, equal opportunities, freedom from sexual violence and harassment. I defend victims of rape in conversations because the question still exists “well what was she wearing?”

I have never form an opinion on Page 3 models though. I despise The Sun news paper and its leader. I believe that paper skews facts and figures for its own agenda and if we continued to listen to that and The Daily Mail we could have a situation prophesised by Enoch Power where “blood will run through the streets”. But Page 3 models, I neither hated nor liked the idea. And here is why:

My argument comes down to this. Rita Ora appeared on the BBC One show last week wearing a cream suit which showed a good amount of skin. Even my first thought was, wow, that is a lot of skin for a programme aired at seven o’clock but this got me thinking. As people we expect a woman to dress accordingly and if these standards are not met some judgment is placed on the head of this woman.

So if Rita Ora or Helen from Hackney wants to bear themselves it should be their choice to do so. Woman can have the freedom to expose themselves if they should feel the need. They should not however, ever feel pressured to expose themselves. This would be assault. For example I am given to understand that Zoo and Nuts used to host competitions in nightclubs where drunken girls could “audition” to be in the magazines. Whilst I am not saying these women were forced into this situations there certainly seems to be a culture on preying on the venerable, ie drunken people. 

Page 3 was a tradition in The Sun and compared to the images one can find if you input a few choice words into Google it was very tame. It probably was about time to retire the concept. 

What are we left with? Well adult pornography would be one. Again this is something I don’t necessary have an issue with providing the actors are consenting adults. The issue I have with pornography is that we live in a country which has limited sex education. Therefore young boys and girls in their teenage years use this as almost a point of reference for how they and they sexual experience measure up. This can cause girls and boys to do things they are not ready for and completely ruin their ideas of sex leaving them feeling used. 

Another issue facing us is that women in adverts and magazines are airbrushed leaving us lesser mortals feeling more than just disheartened when trying to compare ourselves. Perhaps we should demand magazine and adverts carry disclosures informing us all that actually these images are fake and not true depictions. 

Our society is full of double standards. Men can be as prolific as they want in their conquests but a woman is seen as somewhat lesser if they have racked up a few sexual partners. Society wants women to be virginal yet available. Men need to be available and not virginal. We categorize people into boxes and when we cannot categorize we can almost choose to ignore the person completely as to not rock the metaphysical boat. 

In Neolithic times the sight of a naked person would not have been a cause for alarm. We have moved on since then to the point now where if Rita Ora wears a top that is judged to be too revealing for the time of days the BBC receives several complaints. They were her breasts. There is a large proportion of the population that has been breast fed (of course that is another story altogether that I am not going to get into). 

Page 3 was not the worst thing in the world but I can’t say I am sad to see its demise. I don’t really have many feelings. But I certainly don’t think that consenting people showing their skin is something to hate. Page 3 was perhaps more real in terms of body image than most magazines.

Religious Rock 'N' Roll

On Friday last week I attended a gig in Sheffield, Slipknot and Korn. On entering the arena’s car park I happened upon several people preaching and giving out leaflets which essentially informed me that rock ‘n’ roll deaths including Freddie Mercury’s were a product of sin associated with rock ‘n’ roll. Damning the lustful and greed lifestyle that our beloved musicians fall into and that when taking this type of music into my life I should get ready to face the consequences when meeting my maker.

Now I had been at work all week, I was designated driver and over tired. I was looking forward to spending an evening seeing some live bands whose music I enjoy. So when I am handed these leaflets I thought several things.

Firstly it names Freddie Mercury has a victim of rock ‘n’ roll. I would not agree. The great Freddie Mercury died because he contracted a disease which at the time did not have a method of management which would have allowed the great man to live longer. People who contract AIDs now are able to live better lives. Obviously I am not missing the real reason why these people are listing him as a sinner (sexuality) but quite frankly I think it is distasteful and wrong he be listed next to people that did die through drug and alcohol related incidents. He was a remarkable man and he didn’t hurt anyone.

Many have died through drug and alcohol related deaths and it is extremely sad this be the case. Unfortunately many of our revered musicians are tortured souls and therefore feel they need to turn to substances to help ease their pain whether mental or physical. But it comes down to choice. As long as you’re not hurting another unfortunately we can do what we like with our own bodies. Even if this does mean putting harmful chemicals in your body.

Furthermore this lust the leaflet talked about is a funny thing. People have sex. Most people like sex. Sex is sex. It is something which between two people who love one another is scared and special. But hey, if you want to have sex with someone you don’t love, who gives a fuck? As long as they are consenting does it really matter?

I don’t mind faith. I am fascinated by it. I have faith. Not in a god or particular religion. I have faith in the world. I have faith that one day, even if that day is not today, everything is going to be fine. We have hate in this world but we have love. People have the ability of giving out a lot of love. I do not need a god to give me that but I understand if there are some who need that to help them.

But don’t interrupt my Friday night to inform me that I shall face the consequences of listening to metal music. I am married and faithful. I don’t take drugs. I do drink but who doesn’t? But even if I did have rampant sex every Saturday night with a stranger snorting cocaine off his butt cheeks, does it matter to anyone but me, the individual involved and the laws of the land? It wouldn’t matter to a god especially when that god doesn’t even exist.

The beauty about the country we inhabit is that we have a certain amount of freedom. Not endless obviously otherwise it’d be chaos. But enough to keep things interesting. I am critical of some laws but in the grand scheme of things England is doing fine. We have the freedom to seek solace in whatever religion we see fit.

There are only a handful of religions that will respect me despite my gender. Paganism is a wonderful religion for this fact. In Paganism and Wiccan the female gender are seen as sacred as we are a giver of life. The goddess in some depictions are seen as a shapely women with large hips in order that they can give birth to life. The goddess is seen in some opinions as a stronger deity however both male and female must exist equally together in order for life to keep on being produced.

Many mainstream religions will seek to ensure that I am a “good girl” full of chastity and virtue. They would seek to silence me for I am only the server of my father, then my husband and then my sons. I am sorry I shall not be put in a corner and I shall damn well listen to whatever music I want despite its image of being unclean, lustful and sinful.

So now you religious nuts, next time I want to go and listen to a band I don’t want to see you. I hear Marilyn Manson may do some dates in England this year; you’d better not be there otherwise I will inform you kindly and politely I worship the devil.

My Personal Experience of Getting Married Young

I was twenty when my husband proposed to me. We had been together for around eight months. He was finishing his post-graduate diploma and I was earning minimum wage in a desk job. We lived with our propspective parents which meant we actually spent most nights together however at eachothers houses.

Knowing we had no home to call ours and no means at that time to begin building a nest we knew it would be a long engagement. Three and a half years later we had our own place, good jobs and a good  life so we got married.

I have read many many articles that speak strongly about the fact that a woman shouldn't feel the need to get married to be a success. I agree with this stance whole-heartedly. No person whether male or female should be judged by their marital status. When we finally set a date however, all I was told was that I was too young to get married and that I should be waiting. This annoyed me greatly. If we commend a woman for not getting married then why can we commend a woman for getting married?

This issue isn't clear cut though. There are many factors at play here. Not only is the marriage thing an issue but also the question of taking my husband's name. I did by the way, because I liked my husband's surname and because I didn't feel any connection to my maiden name. This was a family name shared with my mum, which is of course a connection but I didn't speak to the family it came from. I didn't feel I had any obligation to protect the name.

Marriage provides many different things. It provides some security, a forever feeling. It is nice to know that I have someone whom I share a deep connection with. 

The women who choose not to get married but share their lives with or without partners are strong people. Some of our society does look upon unmarried people are "failures". But those strong women should not look down on their fellow women who choose to marry and tell them not to. I sometimes find that feminisim can sometimes fail in friendships between women. We have to choice to marry, to divorce, to not have children or to have children. We should rejoice in the fact that I had a choice as to whether I took my husbands name unlike a hundred or so years ago where I would have had no choice whatsoever.

Best Wishes

xox