Weight: Part Two: Standing on the scales for the first time in months

In the office is appears everyone is looking to lose weight. Most likely New Year Resolutions which will either be broken or kept, we will see. Today one of my colleagues brought in some scales. Having not stepped on any since Summer last year I thought why not? I knew I had put on weight. Trousers, dresses and jumpers had become in the past three months tighter and more prone to ride up or feel uncomfortable. I guessed at half a stone approximately.

As I stepped on those scales and measured myself, the little digital dials of death counting up, the blood drained from my face. I was over ten stone, ten stone six to be exact. I am five ft two, quickly calculating in my head this now made me overweight if you believe the BMI counters. My colleague witnessed a minor meltdown in the seconds that proceeded this monumental revelation. For the first time in my life I had surpassed ten stone. Growing up in my mid-teens I was horrified if I crept over nine stone let along be ten stone six. My colleagues lovingly said to me I don't look overweight and I am still very petite but still, this confirmed all of my worst nightmares. The horrible thoughts in my brain which had been going round and round in my head for the past three months as I saw the weight creep on. I am fat.

 These past posts about weight issues show what my mind is really thinking. Bollocks. How did I let this happen? I don't eat unwell, cook everything from scratch. So maybe I drink one too many glasses of wine and don't exercise but surely that can't be it? So upon my arrival home, in the worlds worst mood, I went for a run and then set to reading everything I could about healthy diets, gym memberships and slimming world deals. Then it hit me, there are so many magical potions, pills and programs to enable the average person lose weight how was I supposed to select the right one for me? All of these people preaching they have the right answers. Well who is right?

This multimillion pound industry making women like me who ordinarily couldn't give a shit doubt themselves beyond all measure. My confidence has slipped over the past year admittedly but self-loathing, no, this is recent. This has happened in the last three months as I realised that I was gaining weight and that "perfect" body image was slowly slipping away. People are judged on their appearance, male and female. How could I sit idly by whilst my image was being ripped to shreds by strangers in the street. But it all doesn't matter does it?

Yes, I do need to ensure that I get back under the ten stone mark, potentially back to the nine stone ball park figure. But this shouldn't be done because society dictates this of me. This should be done because I want to be healthy. Because a healthy body usually equals a healthy mind. I want to do it so I don't have to deal with as many risks to illnesses in my future life. So that I can be around for as long as possible seeing the world which I love so very much.

Tomorrow undoubtedly I will continue to surf the internet trying to establish what is the golden goose of all health programs. But I will battle the thoughts of self-loathing. I have to because otherwise society and those companies that make a fortune telling us we are not good enough will win.

Female Issues: Weight and Living Up to Societies Need for Perfection. Part One.

After sharing an article from the Guardian someone a friend commented on the post wondering if the world could change or is it filled with people who are at best narrow minded?

My response was that no, people would have thought that when slavery was being abolished and women were campaigning for their right to vote. This got me thinking about the struggle that women have had to get to the point we are today and what struggles we have left.

During the 19th century women had very little rights, almost none. They were expected to marry as well as society would allow and rear children tending to the house. Queen Victoria did nothing to aid the female cause despite being a member of only a few female rulers of England. This thought process would be echoed by Margaret Thatcher many years later. Not a champion of her own gender she believed that a woman should be an aid to her man. 

In the early part of the 20th century women succeeded in getting the right to vote but still large inequality existed. Women were still not entitled to full health care. If a woman worked she would be expected to give up her job if she got married as it was seen she would not be able to continue with her career and look after her husband at the same time. The first wave and second wave feminist groups really pushed female agendas until we see the world we live into today.

The problem is that inequality still exists now but in different forms. One of those forms (and there are many but today I am only discussing one) is the ever present societal need for women to look perfect.

Today I rid my wardrobe of clothes that no longer fit me. Since my wedding I have gained around half a stone. Not a huge amount but to be gained in three months it has made my confidence dip quite considerably. My earlier blog post about not comparing myself to others and New Year resolutions. Yeh, not working. My colleagues are still gorgeous and I feel like an elephant. It is wonderful. Trying not to hate myself as I filled a plastic bag full of clothes to be taken to the charity shop was impossible.

I have not weighed myself in a while but I estimate I am probably a few pounds over nine stone. I am five foot two. I am probably only a fraction over what is considered a healthy BMI. But this is the fattest I have ever been. Ever. Period. I look at the gorgeous faces on TV and think urgh! But what I hate most is that I hate myself hating myself.

This isn't me. This is something which exists in a society which puts female beauty ahead of her academic ability. I am reading Lena Dunham's autobiography at the moment and she writes about her being considered brave because she exposes herself and she rightly writes how Blake Lively would not be told that she is brave because she is a "Hollywood" appropriate weight. Somehow because Lena Dunham is curvy and not stick thin she is a martyr. 

I am guilty of it myself. When describing a woman we talk about her characteristics. Not her character. I often find that women are cruel about one another. How do we get past this constant chatter in the back of our heads that we are failing? If I find out I'll let you know.